Americans might think they’ve got a bunch of comedians on the Republcan nomination slate (Giuliani in drag, anyone?), but the laughable vacuity of some the GOP candidates is as nothing compared to the bumbling ball of tow-headed ineptitude that is Boris Johnson MP, the man the Tories are standing as London mayor against the incumbent, Labour’s Ken Livingstone.
If you ever get to thinking that the Cameroons are serious about government, just watch this clip of Boris chairing an edition of Have I Got News For You:
Yes, I want to bang my head on the desk too.
You might wonder how the hell Boris even got elected MP. especially given his history of criminal conspiracy (*cough* Darius Guppy) and adultery (*ahem* Petronella Wyatt et al). But he did, despite being mercilessly made fun of. Here’s Boris again on HGNFY, walking right into the Darius Guppy elephant trap set by Private Eye editor Ian Hislop:
Given that he can’t seem to handle the most simple situation without disaster, why ever was Johnson elected MP and why on earth would anyone now want him as mayor? Can you imagine how he would handle a crisis like the tube bombings when he can’t even handle a Wheel of News?
It doesn’t bear thinking about.
But surely. Boris must have hidden depths to have reached such heights? Is he perhaps an inspiring orator on the stump or brilliant on video? Has he got silky-smooth interpersonal skills or inspiring policies? Well, no, not exactly…. here he is expounding on his views on solving religious conflict and saving the planet:
“Wind up cars”. “Lock all religions in a hotel till they agree”. Wahahahahaha. That’ll work well.
The Eton and Oxford-attending classicist Boris has been Tory higher education and arts spokesman, which tells you all you need to know about their commitment to social multiculturalism and social mobility – here he is talking about schools:
I partiicularly like Earl Spencer’s quote on Boris’ arrival at Eton – “At last, I knew there was at least one boy in the school thicker than me”.
Bike-riding while using a mobile, insulting football fans and New Guineans, driving a Reasonably Priced Car, rapping… Is there no end to Boris’ multifarious talents? He’s even played international football against Germany. Yes, really:
Full marks for British sportsmanship there, Boris.
But most of all, even more than politics, cycling, editing wingnut welfare publications and seducing posh totty, Boris loves attention, especailly being on telly and takes any chance of airtime he can get. No matter how trivial and lightweight the show or website it’s all grist to Boris’ self-publicity mill – here he is being interviewed by a clothing line:
Bertie St.Roker: Present company aside, who in your opinion is the epitome of louche?
Boris Johnson: Louche? Kind of like Jean-Paul Belmondo or Alan Clark? Ann Widdecombe, obviously. Completely louche. I can see her break dancing away across Parliament Square, a couple of bottles of Chateau Margaux under each arm. Definitely louche.
I’d pay to see that. Not a lot, but I’d still pay.
BSR: As a man of style and taste, what is the final word on the greatest sartorial conundrum of our time – should the collars of a polo shirt be worn up or down?
BJ: Right. Do you mean up like chaps you drive past in Richmond? Um, well it’s all well and good, but if you have one of these pockets I think down. You don’t want stuff found. Should be down.
BSR: BSR: If we join the Euro, what are the implications for the retail chain Poundland, where everything currently costs a pound?
BJ: Well exactly! And what about the Labour MP Stephen Pound? He’d have to change his name by deed poll to Stephen Euro or he’d cease to be legal tender, and we’d have to get rid of him.
Here’s Boris on telly yet again, this time with Paul Merton on Room 101, denouncing boiled eggs as the ‘”food of the devil, emitting a strong stench of Hades”:
You’d think as potential mayor he’d find something a little more objectionable to get rid of than boiled eggs. And now there’s the ultimate accolade – Boris has had a sheep-pig named after him. Truly his name will live on forever in glory.
Lest it be thought I’m a Boris-hater I hasten to add I am in fact a fan: Boris adds hugely to the gaiety of the nation and he’s just so endearing and entertaining, what with his talk of picannnies, cannibals and resentful scallies. Oh, that naughty scamp!
The trouble is it’s getting to the point where people hate New Labour and all its works (as represented by Livingstone) so much that they’ll vote this buffoon in as mayor of one of the world’s most populous and powerful cities, just to get back at the government.
One of my favourite comedians and someone who’s finally getting the attention he deserves is Stephen K Amos. Dare I suggest he’d be a brilliant addition to Just A Mnute in the absence of the late lamented Linda Smith? He has the same mordant wit and the ability to turn on a comedic sixpence, On Australians and their TV:
If you really loved me you’d make me tea while wearing union jack wellies and a red cobwebby babydoll negligee… oh god, now I’m seeing Boris Johnson in that getup. And it’s turning me on.
Time to stop looking at videos and have some lunch.
[Edited for errors and to fix broken URLs]